From Kratom to The Coof

How an Obscure Southeast-Asian Herb Made Me Doubt the Jab

With the smoke clearing decades after Purdue and the FDA passed OxyContin off as a miracle drug, its impact on the pervasive opioid crisis is difficult to dispute: money exchanged hands between Big Pharma and frontline doctors; “Pill Mills” arose as the drugs flowed freely and people got hooked. When these people could no longer get the medication, many turned to street drugs to cope. Then came the “Deaths of Despair.” This would later worsen as the CDC guidelines reportedly made it more difficult to get the medications in the first place, even when they were medically appropriate.

Enter Fentanyl, and…well…here we are.

Getting a good day’s sleep.

But I’m not here to talk about that depressing, droopy, drug epidemic.

I’m here to talk about the fancy, Fauci-tastic pandemic!

Still, first we gotta take a step back.

Perhaps as a consequence of the opioid epidemic, around 2016, something curious occurred. While not center stage, articles about the FDA seeking to ban a little-known plant from Southeast Asia called Kratom hit sites across the web. Joe Rogan would even address it on his then-burgeoning podcast. Yet, proving the unerring Streisand Effect, in seeking to ban Kratom, they only bolstered awareness.

Picture Unrelated

The FDA, working alongside the DEA and later the CDC, ripped their hair out, screaming Kratom was a scourge to civilization. Indeed, they declared it a veritable public health crisis.

What makes it dangerous enough to be scheduled alongside such nasty narcotics as Bath Salts, Heroin, and (as Saint Snoop of Dawg once said) The Sticky Icky Icky?

A lack of profi—er—regulation, of course.

Now, I can hear you saying, “But Jack, if that’s their problem, why didn’t they actually just push to regulate it instead of an outright ban? Isn’t regulation what the Kratom lobby is even pushing for—”

Shut up and never mind the patents!

Even at first blush, the message seemed clearly divided between Kratom advocates and the FDA: The former made lofty claims of pain relief, helping with addiction and withdrawals, and a treatment for just about anything, from depression to ADD. The latter claimed that it was lethal. To them, taking Kratom was like taking a bullet to the torso.

Literally, they counted a bullet death as a Kratom death, so you know they meant business.

Make no mistake, there would be a war on this dangerous drug — even if we have to count deaths with as if they were from, because if you close your eyes real tight, correlation is causation if you only have the faith in your heart!

“No honey, I got gonorrhea with Candi, not from her.”

It was here that I discovered a strange trend: Many of the mainstream medias were walking lockstep with the institution, and given the FDA’s influence over them, that’s not entirely surprising. So too were medical institutions; damn near all coverage was unfavorable. The Mayo Clinic even released a highly broken article on it (future stack coming on this), while Web MD told you it gave your wife testicular cancer…so just a normal day at WebMD.

Naturally, all *cough* approved *cough* medical professionals agreed, it definitely was something the FDA says is bad for you.

The problem was that, based on my research, they were all clearly operating in bad faith.

The biggest opponent for Kratom was this dude named Scott Gottlieb. (And if that name’s not an anagram for some secret shit, I’m a real ass.) He was the Deputy Commissioner of the FDA, and considered it a menace. It seemed like every month or two, he was making statements against the herb, pushing for backhanded efforts to ban it when he ran into tight pushback, and more. Well, that is, before leaving the FDA and joining Pfizer’s Board of Directors in 2019, just before the pandemic.

Good Timing Scott!

Unrelated, but did you know that big pharma funds about 75% of the FDA’s budget?

Shit, sorry, my ADD got the better of me. Maybe I should take an FDA approved drug for that.

Speaking of which, did you know that approximately 4,500 drugs are recalled each year, most previously authorized by the FDA? In fact, CNN reported, pre-pandemic of course, that nearly a third of the FDA’s approvals “…were involved in some kind of safety event after reaching the market.”

Damnit ADD!

So anyway, when the Coof first hit the medias, I was like. “A’ight. Whatevs.” I mean, it really didn’t seem like a big deal. Early signs indicated it may even be asymptomatic for most, and kids were naturally immune.

Then I discovered the existence of Anthony Fauci, and he told us it was the best of times, it was the end of times.

“Te Jab Laudamus.”

Not gonna lie, Fauci was a rockstar. I thought it was amazing to see a scientist be propped up as a kind of hero. And the dude even did interviews with YouTubers, like Phillip DeFranco. If all the medias, Phil included, were to be believed, we had finally found our savior!

It was a feel-good moment, knowing that at the very least, the professionals were in charge.

At that point, society knew what we were up against, and we knew what we must do: proceed with a calm, uniform, orderly rush on stores; the teeth-gnashing, utterly retarded desperation for toilet paper; women buying men’s deodorant just in case; men using women’s pads because they didn’t have toilet paper; actors singing Imagine; dogs and cats, living together.

The shelves were stripped clear, leaving only Gefilte Fish and Rise of Skywalker DVDs behind.

Then there were the lockdowns and curfews, accompanied by community-building mass gatherings that burned down small businesses (because police brutality — only the white on black ones, the rest were cool — was a bigger public health risk than Covid).

It was truly a magical time of science, social justice, and unity.

“Ah…the smell of mostly peaceful protests…”

But I started to feel like something was amiss as the numbers came in, and the FDA showed similar red flags as with kratom. You know, like how being beaten and hospitalized by Antifa while having Covid was counted as a Coof hospitalization.

“Why did Covid do this?!”

To make matters worse, the good doctor began to bounce back and forth. He was like Ross and Rachel with masks, but funny without a laugh track.

It was an impressive sight: Once the Trump-beast was ousted, the heavens broke open, and descending from alabaster rays was the FDA’s hand with a magic jab. Their voice boomed across the land, and up rose at their flanks the angels of the CDC and Biden Administration.

The WHO was there too, totally waving an arm around in the background, like Chester to Spike.

“Hey, wanna mandate a jab? Anything you say, cuzz you and me is pals, ain’t that right, Klaus?”

All major countries seemed to be reading from the same script.

Scott Gottlieb laughed. Fauci Laughed. Blackrock laughed. Oddly enough, the dude from Microsoft laughed. Klaus Schwab laughed. You laughed. Everyone laughed.

But I didn’t.

In fact, I grew worried, particularly when the president more or less pushed cultish Psy-op shit on anyone who was even remotely dubious. Legacy medias had become a new arm of the government while social medias banned anything that went against their dictates.

This was like Kratom, only much, much worse.

They told me, if I didn’t wear my metaphoric-seatbelt, that meant grandma was gonna die in a fiery auto-crash. Only now we know her seatbelt might just make her more likely to crash, and their metaphor made no sense in the first place.

Of course, that’s just us remembering things wrong, don’tcha know? They always only said it was just about preventing severe disease.

Incidentally, here’s a video of them totally not saying the jabs would stop the spread of this pandemic of the unvaccinated:

And that’s really good, because it turns out Pfizer never even tested for it in the first place, so if they did say that, it’d have been a blatant lie.

With all of this in mind, I gotta say, the jab looked mighty dubious, and the irony is my skepticism was almost entirely the result of their actions.

In a world where the officials weren’t quite being scientifically consistent, where they actively shut down any dissent from their narrative, where they attempted to force this jab-centric agenda regardless of individual health conditions, even at the cost of family stability and livelihoods, I was like…damn, this reminds me of Candi, and there’s a reason I got that restraining order…

Be sure to leave all of your very well thought-out commentary in the comment section below! I’ll await with baited breath for this luminary contribution from only the most based chads of the internet.