FLASH NEWS: White House Increases Necromancer Funding as Democrats Block Debates; Down Syndrome Barbie; CRT in Veterinary Schools
Keeping you up to date on news that matters in bite sized bits. (Satire)
White House Increases Necromancer Funding Ahead of Presidential Bid As Democrats Block Debates
The White House announced a plan on Tuesday to increase funding for staff Necromancers ahead of Joe Biden’s much-anticipated bid for the 2024 presidential election.
When asked about the increase, Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said, “Well, as you know, the president had a fantastic run in 2020. The most popular president ever in fact. And that’s so true you will get banned on YouTube for saying otherwise. But, with fewer dead people projected to show up at the polls in 2024, our goal is to do some door-to-door visits to liven them up a bit and help spread the message.”
This statement appears to clash with documents acquired by the Jack of All Asses investigative team, however, which indicate there may be a completely different purpose behind the new hires.
“The necromancers aren’t for the dead voters,” reported an anonymous source close to the administration. “They’re for Biden himself. In 2020, they had three working around around the clock. But now he’s simply too difficult to animate — they need a whole team to keep him from crumbling into dust.”
This comes as the Democratic National Committee announced no intention of holding any primary debates.
“We’re not trying to sabotage President Biden’s contenders,” said one source. “We already know all the dead folk will vote for him. The problem is he’s kind of mostly dead already and halfway in hell, so if we let him debate, his incoherent ramblings may summon hellish spirits again. It’s a really bad look.”
When pressed how Biden could debate the Republican candidate in the general election, they said, “Simple, he won’t. We’ll just baselessly accuse the opposition for being an antivaxxer bigot that doesn’t support Democracy, and use that as an excuse to not engage them.”
This coincidentally aligned with a recent post from Donald Trump on his Truth Social platform, stating that he saw no point in Republican debates when they’re overseen by biased interests.
We reached out to the the Former President for comment on whether or not he’d debate with Joe Biden, but Mr. Trump simply wrote back, “Debating Sleepy Joe would be a hate crime at this point.”
Mattel Announces Their Newest ESG Barbie
Pictured: “Benny Stout,” Doll Expert
“We truly believe in inclusivity,” a spokesperson for Mattel, the long standing toy company, said in a statement today. “And we just love little Down faces.”
The company announced that they would be releasing Down Syndrome Barbie. The addition of the doll will bring their Woke Collection up to 36, placing it alongside others like Gimp Leg Barbie, Lazy Eye Barbie, and Otherkin Gender-Queer Communist with an Equity Studies Degree Barbie.
Reports indicate the doll will come with what they call “that certain Down Syndrome look, you know the one,” as well as coloring books and diagnoses of Thyroid and Heart Disease.
“Obviously, this isn’t to make the kids feel special,” the spokesperson continued. “This is all just for the stocks, now that the market is rigged by ESG. But let’s be honest, who doesn’t want to see Down Syndrome Barbie on a couch in front of five racially-diverse Kens?”
The last comment appeared to touch on reports that most girls explore their sexuality with Barbies early on, an idea that excites many in the American Federation of Teachers for some reason.
“You’re never too young to learn about gender and sexuality,” an official for the union said in a statement.
The interest certainly extends beyond ESG and Teachers Unions: Even collectors and aficionados see this as a great move in the right direction.
“This is only the beginning,” says doll expert Benny Stout. “It’s only a matter of time before we get the Loli Otherkin that we’ve all been waiting for!”
The results of our restraining order on Mr. Stout are still pending.
Critical Race Theory Taught in Veterinarian Schools
Pictured: “Rocket,” Racist Dog
“Your dog is racist.”
So claimed Ibram X. Kendi when we managed to catch up with him on his yacht, puffing a cigar and surrounded by white women.
“Especially Weiner dogs. They’re the whitest dog out there.”
While seemingly strange at first blush, a recent investigation found his sentiment reflected in many leading Veterinarian Schools as DEI continues to spread throughout academia.
“Eight of the top 11 schools now have CRT/DEI curriculum or training; three have school-wide mandatory CRT training.” Writes William A. Jacobson, a professor at Cornell’s law school.
But what does that even mean?
“CRT is a sociological lens that asks, not if a racism has occurred, but where is the racism?” Our resident expert commented. “That means imagining it’s there even if it’s not. It’s ‘the racism of the gaps,’ essentially.”
Much of this can manifest through affirmative action hiring practices, suggesting vets of a certain race can only provide quality care for those who look like them, and even policy toward specific breeds.
One University of Pennsylvania graduate thesis claims that legislation targeting pit bulls may reflect a bias against Not Whites, or BIPOC as some call them.
We reached out to The Dead Children Association for comment but have yet to hear back.
But this approach, while popular in university, doesn’t seem to sit well with the actual patients being treated.
“I just don’t get it,” said Rocket, an aging Labrador Retriever. “I told my vet that I don’t see color and he told me to check my privilege."
We assured Rocket that despite the accusation of racism, he was indeed still a good boy.
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