This Week In Guano! 4/14/23

Musk destroyed by BBC; the FBI gets 'Tard Pilled; Dalai Lama drama; and a very special guest, saved for last.

Hey All, Jack here.

You know, while working on some larger projects, I figured, what the hell, why not return to my series covering the ridiculous, the absurd, and the downright hilarious shit of the week?

So just sit back, relax, and let Jack lavish you with all the batshit that you can handle.

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Elon Musk and the Big Black Cock

So, I’ve been hearing all this chatter about Elon Musk getting destroyed by a BBC.

Hey man, I don’t care what gets his jollies off, I’m the “let gay-married gun-owners smoke their weed” kinda guy, but it just seemed a little out of left field—

Oh, wait, no, I read that wrong.

Apparently, Elon Musk destroyed the BBC!

That makes more sense, but let’s be real, PornHub’s getting weird.

Anyway, it turns out that some reporter had the brilliant notion that preparation is for the birds, and tried to raw dog an interview with one the world’s most infamous billionaires.

Unzipping his arsenal, he takes his stab: “There’s not enough people to police this stuff. Particularly around hate speech, in the company.”

Musk, refusing to be on the bottom, fires back, “What hate speech are you talking about?”

The BBC reporter stammers a response.

His beta energy is palpable as he shakes and mumbles, arching his approach submissively yet desperately trying to regain the upper hand.

He admits he uses Twitter, and gets more of that kind of content in the “For You” feed.

“Give me an example,” Musk grunts, overpowering the feeble man.

But even pressed to offer one, only just one, the reporter says he can’t because he doesn’t “use that feed anymore.”

Smelling blood, Musk penetrates his defenses, thrusting deep: “Then I say sir, that you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I-I-I-…” the reported moans, wanting desperately to get out, to run away. The realization of his folly flushes over him like a cold sweat, but musk refuses to end his ceaseless pounding.

He squeals out that he’s heard it from other people.

“People will say all sorts of nonsense,” Musk growls, clamping his hands firmly into the reporter’s shoulders.

Still the reporter admits he hasn’t seen any.

“Then how would you know?” Musk bellows, pounding him with the question, over and over. And over.

And over.

Defeated, the reporter can’t answer.

And just like that, Musk is finished.

Leaning in close, his fetid breath wisping the ear of the reporter, the billionaire says, “I’ll be seeing you around, boy.”

Exhausted and embarrassed, the reporter packs up his things and takes the walk of shame.

…

I’m not sure what just happened, but I feel like I need a shower.

The FBI Gets ‘Tard Pilled

FBI, 2023, colorized.

Are you red pilled?

Are you based?

Are you a Giga Chad?

Well, boy do I have a black pill for you, because you’re also an Incel and flagged as an extremist by the FBI.

Yep, the Federal Bureau of Investigation apparently can’t differentiate the above terms from the Involuntarily Celibate, whom they also see as likely terrorists.

All work and no nut does indeed make Jack a dull boy, but the recent revelations only further prove the FBI’s disconnect with internet culture.

Goddamn Boomers.

Anyway, this list of terms was discovered by the Heritage Foundation’s Oversight Project, who received copies of the agency’s training materials on Incels.

The glossary comes on the heels of reporting by Project Veritas from last year that described “…references to the Second Amendment, the Revolutionary War, the Betsy Ross American Flag, and the “Don’t Tread on Me” Snake Gadsden Flag as potential indicators of MVE [ed. note: motivated violent extremism] behavior.”

In light of this news, the Jack of All Asses investigative team reached out to the FBI for comment, asking, “Is this for-real, for real, no cap on God?”

Unfortunately, we have yet to hear back.

We will continue reporting on this story as further information becomes available.

Bet.

Dalai Lama Drama

“I smell children…”

What do you get when you combine a camera, and old man, a little boy, and tongue sucking?

No, I’m not talking about PornHub again, they fixed that problem.

The answer is wholesome family time with His Holiness the Dalai Lama!

Apparently, the Tibetan Spiritual Leader likes to taste – er, “tease people he meets” in an “innocent and playful way.” 

He demonstrated this when, meeting with a kid who doesn’t quite reach Epstein’s age clearance, he was asked for a hug.

Naturally, the Dalai Lama called the kid on stage and guided the boy to kiss him on the cheek along with that hug.

Everyone smiled. Tears filled eyes. The old and the new, uniting in love: a sign of what has come and what was yet to be…

Then Dalailama Ding Dong, as the child called him, asked for a kiss on the lips.

Smiles faltered, but hey, that’s not too weird. I mean, he’s an old spiritual leader, clearly he has the best of intention—

Then he instructed the kid to suck his tongue.

Wait, hold up, this report say this shit happened in February.

That wasn’t from this week!

Why did it take so long for us to hear about it?

Oh well.

Needless to say, the event sparked outrage worldwide. Many people decried the exchange, and the Catholic Church has opened investigations into a possible trademark infringement.

Spokespeople for the Dalai Lama have since said that he found the event regrettable.

If it weren’t for those damn cameras…

Mario Sets Social Justice Back by 30 Years

Journalist and Feminist Influencer, Anita Randolf

Jack: I’m excited to have Anita Randolf in the studio today. Thanks for joining us Anita.

Anita: I’m glad to see you sharing the privilege of your platform for the underrepresented.

J: Er, I dunno, you have a much bigger platform than I do, and I think your position seems to line up with the mainstream medi—

A: Are you mansplaining to me right now?

J: Oh, I uh. I’m sorry.

A: Whatever.

J: So, Anita! You recently watched the new Mario Bros movie. What did you think?

A: It was terrible. No plot. Just too much to take it. Not accessible, you know?

J: You mean because of all the flash and pizazz?

A: No, I just can’t hear something if it doesn’t address my societal struggle every thirty seconds. It’s a part of my self-diagnosed TikTok condition. After those thirty seconds, I start to hyperventilate.

J: That’s terrible! But can you expand on that? What do you mean about societal struggles?

A: It’s not my place to educate you.

J: Okee. So, can you give us a basic overview of the story?

A: Bowser is an abusive stalker who threatens a strong and empowered female with violence if she doesn’t date him. What is that teaching our children?!

J: I mean, he is the villain though, and that lines up with the ga—

A: If you don’t stop mansplaining, and respect my voice, I’m going to punch you, Nazi.

J: Wait, where did that come fro—

A: I really just can’t ignore how Nintendo didn’t use this opportunity to explore our post-colonial, white supremacist hegemony. How does Mario do his part protecting the black youth from police? We need feminism now more than ever…

J: Ever? Really?

A: Absolutely.

J: Like, even more than when women were chattel and couldn’t own property or vote?

A: That’s exactly what it’s like today. Only now it’s even worse! Donald Trump was president.

J: Riiiight. Okay, last question. I’ve written previously about the increasing disparity between mainstream media reviews and actual consumers. Do you think journalists might be losing touch with the general audience?

A: The only disparity I care about is the gender pay gap.

J: Got it. Well, there you have it ladies and gentlemen. Mario is officially anti-woke by merit of simply being a normal fucking kids movie.

A: Oh my Goddess, did you just assume their genders?!

Thanks for reading.

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