What Gayn*ggers from Outer Space Tells Us About Modern Film
How modern major motion pictures stack up against the infamous 1992 film that captured the hearts and imagination of dozens.
IMDB is the ultimate gatekeeper of films: If you have your movie on there, you know you’ve made it. Maybe not very far, but the world nevertheless validates your existence, and for that, you should be proud.
Have a cookie. You earned it.
But not all films are created equal and that’s where the rating system comes into play. By now, we’re all familiar with the disparity between the mainstream medias and the viewers, but for a quick refresher, the activists posing as journalists always rate films along their political ideology whereas the rest of us tell it how it really is.
We, the common man, are the voice of truth.
“Damnit Jack,” I hear you say, “we know all that, get to the offensive stuff before I prematurely cum!”
Alright, alright!
In 1992, a band of benevolent spacefaring black homosexuals set out from planet Anus only to discover a planet called Earth that’s tragically rife with women. In their benevolence, the Gayniggers bring peace to Earth by committing genocide on these “evil creatures,” thereby freeing the oppressed men of the world to thrive in a gay utopia.
It was beautiful.
The Danish Blaxploitation film, unapologetically titled “Gayniggers From Outer Space” (no, I’m not going to censor it within the article — an asterisk doesn’t mean I’m somehow not writing the same thing; if that bothers you, grow up), would go largely unknown by the general public, riding well under the radar of most God fearing Americans.
But not IMDB.
They heard about that movie and were like…publish that shit.
Yet, despite many viewers crediting this film for becoming better men, achieving their life goals, and finding God, by most metrics the 5.8 out of 10 rating fails to reflect its resounding praise.
Now you, dear reader, might be surprised that such a masterpiece would garner this low of a score, and you’d be right to wonder. But keep in mind, this is the voice of the people, and whether or not these artless heathens lack the soul to appreciate such an historic relic, their ratings are unquestionable and absolute.
But, what then does this number actually mean? Does it imply “Gayniggers from Outer Space” is bad, or is it just…mid, meh, mediocre, comme ci, comme ça?
Or, and hear me out, could it be that this rating is actually indicative of…excellence?
Is 5.8 be the new black?
To find the answer — using “Gayniggers from Outer Space” as our most reasonable litmus — I set out to compare the movie to other films from the last year or so that are standing, at time of writing, equal to, or just under 5.8 in their rating.
Surely such a juxtaposition would reveal the truth!
What follows are my top 8 picks (because I was too lazy to keep looking).
8. Zack Snyder’s “Rebel Moon” — 5.7/10
Want a grim, soulless, out-of-focus, slo-mo Star Wars in the style of the last ten minutes of the “Justice League Snyder Cut,” equally devoid of likable characters and a compelling plot, as told by an obvious AI written-script?
Well, Netflix has the film for you!
If you were to take every review of a Zack Snyder film, filter out anything remotely positive, then cook the remaining criticism down into a resin and smoke it, you’d blow out this movie.
The only thing more precious than babies, the Hope Diamond, and that movie with the fat black chick is Snyder’s plan to make more films, a Snyder Cut, and a comic book.
It’s okay to point and laugh, it’s not hurtful when they’re retarded.
But does this rating mean Gayniggers is in fact a bad movie? Clearly, that couldn’t be true! So, I had to keep searching…
7. “Expend4bles” — 4.8/10
Expend Fourbles probably had no business being made, but every actor cast in this film needs to be seen, for if they leave the public eye for too long, the mystics warn they’ll cease to exist.
Just like Disney stock.
Celebrating being past one’s prime, this movie reeked of baby powder and Depends. It’s chock full bad chemistry, cheesy dialogue, and soulless action, invoking a longing for the better days of the 80s when this shit was done right.
Not much more to say past that. With two movies down, things weren’t looking too good for our heroic Gaynigger spacefarers. But having only just begun my journey, I remained confident…
6. “65” — 5.4/10
Wait, what? What even is this film? When did this come out?
Oh well, looks like a lot of people watched it, and they have spoken!
65 is yet another painful display of how Disney’s Star Wars has become death, destroyer of young acting careers. Any chance Daisy Ridley, Adam Driver, and John Boyega had for success will forever remain tainted by the stench of Kathleen Kennedy’s slug trail.
Hell, the new Star Hers was so bad, it even condemned Harrison Ford to a subsequent flop with Indiana Jones and the Diaper of Disappointment.
So what is this movie about? Don’t know, don’t care.
But that made three major flops in a row, so I decided to change it up and tried a box office hit…
5. “Five Nights at Freddy’s” — 5.5/10
The most annoying fanbase in the world is Taylor Swift’s.
Look into your hearts Swifties, for you know I speak the truth.
The second is FNAF.
Five Nights at Freddy’s is exactly what you’d expect when an untalented game designer tries his hand at a completely different craft in order to adapt a game that was entirely voice overs, jump scares, and sitting at a desk. Sound boring? Well, it is. Hell, even the main character spends the bulk of the film sleeping, and for that, I’m jealous.
But hey, they had the thing, showed the thing, did the thing, and made Fap Patt say the thing, so that’s the same as quality, right?
Right…?
I expect literally all the TikTok hate posts in response to this. Don’t let me down, Zoomers.
No cap, frfr.
4. Disney’s “Strange World” — 5.7/10
Things weren’t lookin’ so good for the bois.
Realizing that even box office hits can be terrible films, my next stop was technically from 2022, but I decided to focus on a studio with a long history of success and I had to do this one.
Disney’s “ESG Score, the Movie” didn’t drag many butts to seats, but I hope Blackrock saw it bro.
This movie told me its pronouns before demanding we rig the election against Trump to “save Democracy.”
Just watching this movie counts as a Harvard Gender and Women’s Studies Degree.
When I asked for directions to the men’s room, this movie accused me of a making a microaggression.
Well, after two gallons of popcorn butter and a box of whoppers, I can assure everyone that the aggression was quite large, and that’s fitting because I’d rather take a huge pile of shit than watch one.
Okay, well how about Pixar…?
3. Pixar’s “Ruby Gillman: Teenage Kraken” — 5.7/10
I’m old enough to remember when Pixar films were events. It seemed they could do no wrong until John Lasseter was fired in 2017.
Now we get—
*checks notes*
—no, that can’t be right. That’s not a real fil-
Well, sheeit, I guess it is.
Apparently Pixar, the studio that brought us Toy Story, Cars, and The Incredibles, decided to try their hand at making one of those straight to DVD movies you find at The Dollar Store or Gas Station checkout lines. The only impressive thing is that 8k people actually reviewed this, which is probably all of the people who worked on it, and even they didn’t think it was worth cracking a 6.
Requiescat in pace, Pixar. You had a good run before selling out to Disney.
Speaking of selling out to Disney…
2. Marvel’s “The Marvels” — 5.8/10
Marvel as Marvel misses the mark with “The Marvels,” a menagerie of Mary Sues in space.
Fueled with a Feminist force strong enough to break Samuel L. Jackson, this film was doomed from the start and everyone knew it, though that didn’t stop the usual suspects from blaming exhausted audiences of misogyny and racism.
And to be honest, that’s starting to look pretty fair, because Marvel’s M-She-Uterus Stage Four has been the single best argument for hating women since “Gayniggers from Outer Space.”
Speaking of which, it occurred to me that this movie was the only one on the list so far that matched the Gayniggers. Did that mean Gayniggers was a fail all along, or was 5.8 the magic number for misogyny?
Was Disney’s lazy and exploitative representation of women…actually sexist?
Regardless, at the very threshold of losing all hope, my quest brought me to our number one…
1. Disney’s “Wish” — 5.8/10
Well, I’ll be damned.
We got another match for the Gayniggers, and yet again from a Disney property.
Could this mean there’s hope?
Have I been wrong this whole time?
Most people missed this Disney film, commemorating the history of the production company, which led to yet another major flop for the year. Yet, many nevertheless did see it and gave it a rating.
So, what do I have to say for this?
Nothing. No jokes. No review.
This was the movie that broke me.
The Verdict
I admit, I’m suffering cognitive dissonance.
How do I reconcile the conflicting truths that the audience is always right yet “Gayniggers from Outer Space” is on par with all of these disasters?
Could it be that I’m wrong, and that these are all truly excellent as well, albeit still mostly rated lower than “Gayniggers from Outer Space?”
You know what? Yes! Yes, that’s it. The Critical Drinker, Nerdrotic, and so many others have all been wrong, all this time. They have to be!
So, as I thrust deeper into 2024, I will stand tall, willing to consume all modern film, grimly accepting the reality that I can’t tell what is or isn’t a masterpiece, and thankful that we will always have “Gayniggers from Outer Space” as our eternal beacon, forever guiding us on our journey back home.
And hey, on the bright side, there’s always one thing that we can all agree on…
Thanks for reading.
Okay, if you made it this far, and if after all of this you think I just made up some offensively-titled masterpiece that I superfluously name dropped throughout just to make a point, here is the film in all its glory: